The Drink Taxonomy of Guys

This post is a bit of humor gleaned from observations during my travels abroad and around the bars right at home. Please don’t take it seriously, but I hope it gives you a laugh.

Every night around the world bars are flooded with a mosaic of patrons, from happy-go-lucky students to desperate professionals to crusty old timers in the corner. For many, it’s a race to gather as much information as possible about romantic prospects before opportunity stops knocking. The tactics are simple and effective: glances over drinks, accidental nudges, and the casual disinterest of talking with your wing-people.

A few nights ago, as I imparted some local Madison wisdom to an acquaintance’s little sister who had recently moved here, I tapped into an almost mystical taxonomy of guys based on the drink they order at the bar.

What I’m about to share with you has an extremely high success rate of predicting a guy’s nature. As with most things in life, women are completely different and this drink taxonomy of guys does not apply to them. Take heed, my fellow male brethren, of what your drink says about you:

Beer Guy

Easily the most common guy out there, Beer Guy covers a broad range of dudes from blue-collar hunters to malt aficionados to college kids getting their first case of Busch Light. With a Beer Guy, you know where you stand. He’s a straight-forward, honest guy that likes the simple things in life. Note: very different from Wine Guy. Beer Guy isn’t the most ambitious person you’ve ever met, but when he finds something (or someone) he likes he’s very loyal. Beer Guy is the world’s best belcher.

Whiskey Guy

Whiskey Guy is the Beer Guy’s rougher, more crass brother. He doesn’t drink Scotch or Irish Whisky – only American whiskies like Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. He’s often confused and without goals, aimlessly wandering through life like it’s a pub crawl. Ironically, Whiskey Guy’s greatest skill is drinking lots of whiskey, and he has a natural immunity to hangovers. For this reason, he often scoffs at the antics of Rum Guy, Tequila Guy, and Gin Guy, who he perceives can’t hold their liquor. Whiskey Guy likes flannel and foosball.

Vodka Guy

Vodka Guy is a hunter. He’s at the bar to hook-up and he’s often successful. He’ll chat you up, make you glow, and then leave you feeling as empty as his zero calorie Stoli soda. Vodka Guy is ruthless in this pursuit. As a result, Vodka Guy often seems to have zero heart as well. He is not interested in conversation of any depth, so keep your interactions with him to Twitter-like brevity. If he’s disinterested, he’s known to tortuously mangle drink napkins until the offending party drifts off in rejected disgust.

Gin Guy

The wild card of the bunch, Gin Guy can be insecure and unpredictable. Few drinks are more run of the mill (pardon the pun) than the gin and tonic, and Gin Guy likes to order it to deflect any questions about his drink choice. The more gin that Gin Guy imbibes, however, the more unpredictable his actions become. He can vacillate toward Rum Guy’s penchant for confrontation or find himself in the middle of a Whiskey Guy’s confused fugue state. Caution is advised when interacting with gin power drinkers or shooters.

Wine Guy

Wine Guy seeks the finer things in life, such as sea urchin roe, cuddle seats, and anything from Hammacher Schlemmer. He’s picky, and this means Wine Guy is often single. Wine Guy rarely shows his true colors in your average bar, preferring to fall back on one of his lesser “Guys.” As a result, he’s liable to get black-out drunk if he’s drinking vodka or gin with actual Vodka or Gin Guys. He’s acutely aware of what others think of him and can be deeply attentive to surface appearances. Wine Guy loves to chat.

Scotch Guy

A real Scotch Guy is rare – enjoying Cutty Sark, J&B, and Clan MacGregor do not a Scotch Guy make. Scotch Guy knows what he likes and provides a steadying presence to any situation. Scotch Guy does not over-indulge in his preferred drink; he treats each dram with respect, the same way he treats others. His main character flaw is his tendency to be stubborn and contrary when challenged. Scotch Guy and Wine Guy often nod at each other.

Rum Guy

Warning, warning, warning: Rum Guy might have some anger issues. He likes to exercise them by destroying others. Rum Guy uses alcohol (i.e., rum) to lever open his cocoon of repression. Generally it’s good for humans to express themselves. Unfortunately, Rum Guy’s sense of personal expression involves violent clashes of man flesh. When bad shit goes down at the bar, you’re likely to find Rum Guy in the center of the melee. After all, it’s what his subconscious secretly craves. As the Captain would say: Ladies, ye be warned.

Shots Guy

In many ways, Shots Guy is like a bottle rocket. He’s really loud and fun for a short period of time, and then he’s dead. Whereas Rum Guy likes to destroy others, Shots Guy likes to destroy himself. As fast as possible. Shots Guy is volatile and can be prone to destroying other things, like his job and relationships, through collateral damage of his own self-destruction. Often, Shots Guy has hidden demons, and he seems to believe they’re vulnerable to 1oz. servings of hard liquor.

Tequila Guy

If the man isn’t from Mexico, then he’s insane. Tequila Guy is constantly on the lookout for the craziest parties and best time of his life. If the party or bar isn’t crazy enough he’ll do everything in their power to make it bedlam. The guy with the underwear on his head running down the beach blowing a kazoo…yeah, that’s Tequila Guy. Unlike Shots Guy (who wants to destroy himself) and Rum Guy (who likes to destroy others), Tequila Guy is simply oblivious in his search for a good time and the resulting actions that incidentally hurt others. He throws up a lot.

Foofy Guy

The sweet side of the alcohol spectrum is the domain of Foofy Guy: daiquiris, margaritas, champagne, wine coolers, and other “malt” beverages. An enigma upon first observation, Foofy Guy is either supremely confident in his manhood or simply an inexperienced drinker. Foofy Guy takes a lot of crap from the other “Guys,” but he’s often an open and engaging person and so sees lots of attention. Foofy Guy loves Hawaiian shirts and trips to tropical islands where he can indulge himself without ridicule.

Have you met these guys? Can you see yourself in one or many of them? Think I’m off base? Let me know in the comments!

Original photo by VancityAllie via Flickr under Creative Commons